Love's Betrayal
by Teris Xenite
Summary: Logan heads over to Max's apartment after the end of Hello Goodbye. How will he react to being betrayed? Will love survive? Or will it be another casualty of war?
1. The Betrayals

Love's Betrayal 

by 

Teris Xenite 

terisxenite@hotmail.com 

Disclaimer: I don't own them...I wish I did...but I don't. Many many thanks go to those who do. Suing me is pointless, I own nothing that you would want. 

Author's Note: This is a departure from my normal writing style. This is not a fluff piece, it is dark. If that bothers you turn away now. It's what came to mind after watching the tape of one of my high school plays (it contained a scene from Othello), and Hello Goodbye. But bear in mind gentle reader...this is Teris here...soooo it's quite likely that everything will work out in the end.   
  
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Pain surrounded him, and with every beat of his heart, with every breath it sunk deeper into him. It had long since passed his skin, then his bones, and now it was firmly entrenched in him, heart and soul. _She left me…she left me for him._ Logan's mind couldn't wrap itself around the fact that she'd cheated on him. If she'd run out of fear, that he could have understood. But to leave him for another man? One that she professed to hate with every other sentence?__

_Something isn't right here. Why? Why did she do this?_ The answers were not to be found at the bottom of his shot glass. They weren't to be found in the shambles of his apartment, which he'd torn apart after the shock wore off. He'd thrown the statue of Bast against the wall, as hard as he could. Miraculously it had bounced off the wall and landed on the floor unscathed, staring at him mockingly with those dark eyes that reminded him so much of Max. 

The shrill ringing of the phone broke his staring match with the statue, and he hurriedly picked up hoping that it was Max. Hoping that she'd called to tell him that she'd lied, or that she'd talk to him like always. He was hoping that something on the other end of that phone was going to make this not true, or make it go away. Anything to make it stop hurting. Instead of hearing Max's voice, Sam's greeted him. 

_Great he's going to tell me I only have 6 months to live. That'd be fitting._ "Logan, I've got good news. Your body isn't rejecting the blood that Joshua gave you. You're producing your own antibodies against the virus. You and Max are cured." 

"Thanks for calling Sam." 

"Logan, did you hear me? You're cured! You and Max can go on with your lives…" 

"Yeah Sam, I heard you. I just don't give a damn at the moment." 

"I thought you'd be happy. What happened?" 

"She left me Sam…now if you don't mind, I think I'll get back to getting shit faced like any self respecting dumpee, ok? Good… bye bye now." 

Logan hung up on his bewildered friend, and he poured himself another very liberal drink. He'd just raised it to his lips, when it hit him. _Wait a minute. I'm cured…that means... _ There was a moment of adulation before reality set in again. _That means shit, she left me. She left me for him…But I'm cured…that means I can go over there and demand an explanation…or I could fight for her. Alec really thinks I'm going to let him have her without doing something to prevent it? I don't think so… You may want her Alec, but you'll never have her…You took advantage of her…Yes that's what she'll tell me…She was scared, and ashamed, she didn't want to tell me…but I'll forgive her, and then she'll be mine again. _

A plan formed in his mind. He'd go over to see Max. He'd demand a reason for why she left him. And if for the barest instant she displayed regret, or used fear of the virus for a reason. Well, then he'd tell her. If not then she and Alec could live happily ever after, until Alec got his ass shot off. If he didn't kill the son of a bitch himself. He couldn't think of Max being harmed, not even after the way she'd hurt him could he stand to think of her dying again or even being hurt as she had been so often before. It hurt too damn bad. No matter what happened, he'd always protect Max, always take care of her, keep her safe. Whether she wanted him too or not he'd help her, but her flavor of the month Alec could rot in hell before he'd lift a finger to save him. 

But an evil voice whispered in the back of his mind. _What if he didn't take advantage of her? What if he didn't have to? What if she wanted him? What if she went to him willingly, happily even? What if she looks at him the same way she looked at you? What will you do then? _ And those questions remained unanswered as he threw the liquor glass across the room, watching as it shattered into a thousand shards. 

The questions remained unanswered, but the seed of doubt had been planted. _It didn't look like she was too unwilling, or being taken advantage of when he was hugging her. She smiled at me like that once… What if she does want him? His eyes gazing into hers, his hand on hers, his lips caressing hers…And knowing that she wants him. That's more than I can stand. I love you Max, but I'll be damned if I'll share you.___

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Max lay curled on her bed in fetal position, knowing only that everything in her hurt. She'd cried until her eyes were swollen nearly shut, and plummeting of her seratonin levels had caused her to have seizures for the first time since she'd come back from Manticore. The shakes were bad this time, even worse than they'd been in New Haven, and they were continuous. For over twelve hours she'd had no rest, save brief two to three minute intervals when her body could take no more and she blacked out. 

She was so out of touch that she didn't register the sound of her door being opened, or the sound of foot steps entering her room. She vaguely noticed the dipping of the bed as he sat beside her, but was too weak to respond. She didn't register that it was him sitting beside her, and because of that fact she didn't resist when he brushed the errant stands of hair from her face. 

Seeing her so vulnerable momentarily deflected some of his anger. Even though he wanted answers and reckoning he still didn't want her hurt. _Where's Alec? Shouldn't he be with you now? To hold you hand like I used to…Oh that's right, he's the love em and leave em type. If you'd left me for someone who would have taken care of you, it wouldn't have been so bad. But you leave me for this. A man who treats you like a whore. Where is he now Max?_

She whimpered in distress and he gently brushed the hair off of her forehead. "Hush Max, it's all right. I'm here. You're safe, I'm going to take care of you…everything will be fine." His voice comforted her, and she rested more quietly. He grabbed the tryptophan from her bathroom and went to her fridge to grab some milk, tisking to himself at the mostly bare shelves. _Damn Max, no wonder you always loved it when I cooked for you. Looks like Alec's a lousy provider too._

He grabbed the carton of milk and rushed back to her bedroom. He pulled her into his lap helping her sit and swallow both the milk and the pills. Then he held her and waited for them to take affect. All the while she was talking incoherently. She still hadn't realized that it was him holding her, or that it was him whispering soft words of comfort to her. _ I swear to God if she calls me Alec, I may kill her._

He kept comforting her until the clouds began to lift from her eyes. He continued to hold her until she realized that it was him holding her and not Alec. She tried to bolt, and violently jerked out of his embrace, but didn't quite make it off the bed. "Logan are you insane? You've got to get out of here now! You can't be here like this." He wondered if those exclamations were from fear him catching the virus, or of Alec coming back and finding them in a compromising position. 

"What's a matter Max? Scared I'll run into Alec on my way out?" 

"Logan…" The fear in her eyes enraged him. She was scared of what Alec would think. He grabbed her wrists through the sleeves of her shirt and pulled her close to him despite her protests . She struggled weakly against him, but it was no use. She was still as weak the stuff they tried to pass off as coffee these days, and his time in the chair had done great things for his upper body strength. 

"Don't you dare Logan me! I loved you Max…I was willing to die for you, I risked my life for you! I gave you EVERYTHING! And.. you… leave… me… for… Alec!" Her eyes flickered both pain and regret upon hearing the anguish in his voice, but he was too caught up in his anger to notice. "You leave me for the son of a bitch that abandons you when you're sick, doesn't love you or take care of you, and treats you like a cheap whore." The heated anger of the beginning of his outburst gave way to the painful grinding of each word between his teeth. 

"It will serve you right if he does catch you here with me and thinks the worst. It will serve you right if he thinks you're the lying slut that I know you are. Tell me Max, do you think he'll hate you? Do you think he'll leave you and break your heart like you did mine? Or maybe he'll be so damn jealous he'll kill us both? Now there's an appealing idea? I mean, what the hell? Not like I've got much left to live for now anyway!" She started to speak, but he violently shushed her. "No Max…I don't want to hear it. Any thing that comes from those lovely lips of yours will just be a lie anyway. God I wish I could hate you…but I can't…I love you too much to hate you." 

He shifted rolling her onto her back with him leaning over her holding her wrists above her head. He reached to caress her face, and his anger and hurt only intensified as she recoiled. "Logan, you can't…the virus." He grabbed her wrists tighter, pushed her hard into the bed and leaned down over her letting her feel the full pressure of his weight. His warm breath flowed over her face, and he leaned close enough that he almost touched her. _Almost, but not quite. The story of our whole relationship._

"It would be so damn much easier if I hated you. Then I could just walk away, and not give a damn. But you won't even allow me that. And you know what Max…wanna know the really funny thing about the whole thing. I know the truth now…I know that you're a lying bitch, and I still can't hate you. You've lied to me, you've stolen my heart and ripped it in two, you've betrayed me with another man…And I still love you …" 

He fought back tears at this point, and lowered her lips to hers in a punishing kiss. It was a kiss unlike any of their previous encounters. But he was done being tender, done being gentle, kind and sensitive. After all look where it had gotten him. Maybe he should be more like Alec after all…Maybe he should just take what he wanted. He couldn't have her fidelity, he couldn't have her heart, but her warm beautiful body was there for the taking. Maybe if he satisfied his lust for her, maybe then he could let her go. 

"Tell me Max? Why Alec?" 

"Logan, are you completely and totally insane…You've got to get outta here before you catch the virus again, if you haven't already…" 

"No Max…you don't get out of this that easily. You can't use the virus to push me away anymore. I won't let you. Joshua's DNA is close enough to human for my body not to reject it…I'm cured…And you're not off limits anymore. I can do this…" He caressed her face, and cupped her cheek. "Or this." He kissed her deeply and this time she didn't fight him. Tears came to her eyes, but instead of recognizing them as signs of joy, he saw them as tiny drops of rejection. 

"What's wrong Max…I thought you wanted me? You sure as hell gave a pretty damn good pretense of it. Or am I not good enough for you anymore? Is it because I'm not him?" He stroked her face, his touch and voice deceptively tender. "Or is it that I was never really good enough for you in the first place? What was I? A way to get information on the X-5's? Someone who could keep Manticore off your back? A protector? Or was I just a mercy fuck because you felt sorry for me?" 

"Logan…no…it wasn't…it isn't…" Max was finding it hard to form words with him this close. Granted the fact that she was already greatly weakened, and he was lying on top of her weren't helping. That she finally had what she'd wanted for so long, only to have destroyed it with a lie. She could finally hold him and touch him, but instead of being able to love him as she wanted to, she was faced with his cold unyielding anger. It was too much to bear, and she began crying harder. "Logan…let me explain please…it wasn't like that. I swear, it's never been like that." 

His fingers trailed down her face and neck, and her body involuntarily leaned into his touch. Then he reached her shoulder and griped it painfully, startling her. He couldn't bear to hear another word and wonder if it was the truth so he pressed his lips to hers again, silencing her with a violent kiss. There was no gentleness in him at the moment, he was too focused on his pain and her betrayal. He pulled away when his lungs screamed for air, leaving her mouth bruised from his onslaught. She gasped and there were still tears streaming down her cheeks. 

"Don't cry for him while you're in my arms Max." His fingers pulled her chin up harshly as he looked at her, letting her see the deadly seriousness of his words. "Because if you do, I swear to God I won't be responsible for my actions." Her tears as if knowing they were forbidden, sprang forth more intensely. "So be it…" He kissed her again, not quite as harshly as before, but still lacking the gentleness and love she'd always savored in his kisses. 

He couldn't stop at just kissing her. Once he tasted her, he wanted all of her. He wanted to possess her, to imprint himself so firmly upon her that no other man would ever threaten his position in her life again. He bit and sucked down her jaw and neck. When he reached the neckline of her shirt, he gripped it in his free hand, and ripped it down the middle. She struggled against him again, but he still had the upper hand. All she won herself with her efforts was a painful tightening of the grip on her wrists, and the further darkening of his eyes. His hand played roughly with her breasts as his mouth sucked and bit a her neck. 

She sought out his eyes, hoping that by making eye contact with him, she could reason with him, end this madness. But the gentle man that she'd loved and admired was lost in a sea of pain and loss. And all that left here with her was this stranger with hateful words and hurting hands. This act of love that she longed for, wanted for so very long was being profaned. And all she could do was cry, struggle in effectively and plead for him to stop. But plead she did…for she could not simply lie there as her dreams were shattered. "Logan…please….stop…." 

"You think that after what you've done you have the right to ask anything of me?" He growled before resuming his assault. More tears followed his harsh dismissal, and they served only to anger him further. Her tears turned to sobs, as his mouth descended once again on hers, making a mockery of all the kisses they'd shared. Finally he pulled away, and returned to the act of claiming her by leaving marks upon her pale skin. 

She trembled as she cried, and wanted nothing more than the tender lover he'd been in the past to return to her. She gathered her strength to plead with him again, because she wasn't sure she could survive his ministrations much longer. Every touch felt like a deadly blow to her heart, and she wasn't sure how much longer she could retain her sanity under this siege. "Logan…you're right, I have no right to ask…but I'm asking anyway…please stop…I want you…but please God not like this." 

"Not like what Max? I always thought you wanted romance, and affection…Those smoldering looks that we used to give each other…I thought you wanted me to lavish you with love and attention, treat you like you were special, make you feel like you were the only woman in the world that mattered. Which wasn't a real stretch for me, because you were the only woman in my world that mattered." 

He stroked her check and laughed a bitter humorless laugh before continuing. "But then after all we've been though, you leave me for Alec. All that time I spent courting you, wooing you, pining for you, protecting you, fighting for you, loving you. None of that made you love me? None of it meant a damn thing to you. But it sure as hell looks like you love Alec, and I figured it out. All that time what you really wanted, what you really were looking for was a good fuck, you wanted someone to take control of you and take what he wanted." 

He kissed her again, ignoring her protests and tears. Never had she been afraid of him, but at this moment she was starting to become frightened. _What am I going to do if he doesn't stop? If I can't make him listen? I can't fight him, and even if I could…I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. Scratch that, I've already hurt him, that's why he's here. Maybe I deserve this?_

"Does he touch you like this Max? Is that why you love him? Why you left me? I wasn't aggressive enough for you?" He shifted so that one his knees lie between her thighs, pressing against her softness in a way that wasn't painful but carried a meaningful threat. 

"I never loved him Logan…never…never Alec…Only you." 

"So you didn't love him…" 

"No…never…How could I love him?" 

"So you didn't love him…but you still slept with him…" He kissed her gently for a moment, as if he believed her, and truth be told he wanted to. He really did, but he couldn't. Not after she'd already lied to him once. _Unless? _ "Were you in heat?" 

"No…Logan you don't understand…" 

"I understand perfectly Max. You're lying here swearing that you loved me, but you still cheated on me. I could forgive you going after another guy when you were in heat Max, because as much as I hated it I couldn't hold what Manticore did to you against you. But this, how can I forgive this Max? And why should I even want to?" 

Part of her wanted to scream. Wanted to say: 'because I love you and I didn't betray you'. But all she could manage to get out was his name. "Logan…" His name emerged from her lips in a voice filled with desperation, and longing for both his love and his forgiveness. Any other time and he would have died to hear her say his name like that, but now he was too far gone to give a damn. 

"You betrayed me Max." 

His lips descended forcefully on her's once again trying to silence the painful words that he knew would fly from them. She sobbed, and shut her eyes in defeat. She could think of nothing else to say to him. Nothing to make him realize what had happened, nothing that would make her love him again, nothing that would make him stop. She sobbed as his hand trailed over her collar bone, and harder still as it dipped lower to trace over her breast and ribs. Well at least he wasn't hurting her now, physically anyway. 

When his hands reached the waist of her sweatpants and began to pull them down, her eyes flew open. No matter what lie she'd told, no matter what she'd done, no matter if she deserved it. She couldn't let him do this. Because if he did she'd never be able to look at him again. She'd never be able to remember him again without remembering this, and that would kill her more surely than any bullet ever could. She gathered a breath and said the only thing she could think of that might possibly reach him. And as she spoke she knew the words would save her, or damn her. 

"Logan…please stop…If you love me…If you've ever loved me, stop. Please don't do this." 

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Well that's the end of chapter one. 

Am I an evil, sadistic bitch? Does he stop? Do they forgive each other? Review...lemme know what you think should happen. Cause if not...This fic dies...and Max and Logan get left here....now be kind to the characters...gimmie a review? Please?   



	2. Regret

Love's Betrayal 

Chapter 2 

by 

Teris Xenite 

terisxenite@hotmail.com 

Disclaimer: I don't own them...I wish I did...but I don't. Many many thanks go to those who do. Suing me is pointless, I own nothing that you would want. 

Author's Note: This is a departure from my normal writing style. This is not a fluff piece, it is dark. If that bothers you turn away now. It's what came to mind after watching the tape of one of my high school plays (it contained a scene from Othello), and Hello Goodbye. But bear in mind gentle reader...this is Teris here...soooo it's quite likely that everything will work out in the end. And yes I copied this authors note straight from chapter one. If you read that and are here you will be fine.   
  
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Logan's eyes cleared, and his hands dropped from her as if he'd been burned. For the first time he saw the tears in her eyes, and the angry looking bruises and bite marks on her neck. Her wrists were bruised as well from where he'd held her down, and there was a paniced look in her eyes that he'd never wanted to see. "What have I done." He whispered, not entirely sure if he'd spoken at all. He reached a shaking hand towards her face, stopping just before he touched the tear stained skin. 

_I don't deserve to touch her. Not after this. I can't trust myself. My God…what have I done? I hurt her…I made her cry. I swore I'd never make her cry. What have I done? _ He pulled away from her quickly. "Max…I am so sorry. I'm so sorry…I swear I never meant to hurt you." She sat up slowly and pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, then rested her chin on top of them. She looked at him, and fought back more tears. "Max…I understand if you don't believe me, and if you never want to see me again. But I really am sorry…" He slowly lifted a hand towards her, and when she didn't jerk away in fright he wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry Max…so very sorry. I didn't mean it…" 

"Damn it Logan, how did it come to this?" She looked at him for a moment. There were tears in his eyes, and his pain seemed as real and great as her own. His apology seemed genuine enough, and for the moment she was happy just to have him back. She decided to trust him for the moment, explanations could come later. "Get your ass back over here." He approached her tentatively, but did come to her as she asked. 

"What is it Max? Are you ok? Is there anything I can do? That will make it better? Or even begin to make it up to you?" 

Max sniffed, and looked up at him again. "Logan, could we do the apologies and explanations later? Cause right now, I just need you to hold me." He nodded and sat beside her. She laid her head in his lap, and he stroked her hair as she cried. 

"God baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I promised myself that I'd never make you cry." He kept caressing her hair and back as she cried. He kept whispering over and over that he was sorry, that he hadn't meant it, and finally as she cried, his tears broke loose too. She cried for the pain that she'd caused him by lying to him, for the fear that she'd felt, she cried in relief that she'd gotten him to stop, and she cried for the pain his hateful words had caused. Then she cried because the greatest love she'd known in her life was in such a sorry state. And finally, she had no more tears. 

She sat up and looked at him with tired, bloodshot eyes. Tearstains streaked her cheeks, and he cursed himself again for causing her pain. He longed to offer her the comfort of his arms, but he knew it would kill him to watch her recoil from him, even though he readily admitted he would deserve that. _Damn, this is one time I wish I could kick my own ass._ He held his arms out offering her a hug, and waited to see if she would accept his invitation, or knock him into next week. 

Max was too busy seeking comfort to worry about punishing Logan. And even though she'd been frightened, and even though she'd been sickened by what had almost happened. She could understand where he was coming from. Sort of. Not that it made it easier to deal with, but at the moment she was too tired physically and emotionally to care. She wanted to feel warm, to feel safe, and she wanted to be comforted. Right now he was offering her all those things, as he had so many times before. _I'll deal with it tomorrow. I can't handle this right now._

She slid into his arms, and he kissed her forehead and brushed the tears from her skin gently. "Max, I am so sorry…I didn't mean it, God baby I'm sorry…are you all right? Is there anything I can do? Anything? God baby I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I am so sorry." 

"Logan, if you ever do anything like that again I will kick your ass from here to the Space Needle and then throw you off the top of it. Got it?" 

"Max, if I ever do anything like that again, you won't have to throw me. I'll jump." 

"Good, now that that's settled, I can kick your ass later. But for now, just hold me, and don't let go." As he held Max, she trembled against him, and tried to make what had happened just a bad dream. It was easier just to pretend, to ignore the fact that he'd ever been anything but the gentle man that held her now. But a tiny voice inside of her spoke against that, and the faith and trust she'd placed in him was no longer unbroken. It wasn't shattered, but it was cracked and that hurt. Finally she drifted off to sleep, no longer able to fight the weight that pressed upon her. 

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Well that's the end of chapter two. 

And ya know, I was kidding when I asked if I was an evil, sadistic bitch. Although...keep telling me that and I might start to believe it. Review...lemme know what you think should happen. Cause if not...This fic dies...and Max and Logan get left here....No Logan begging forgiveness...no Max explaining that she didn't sleep with Alec...now be kind to the characters...gimmie a review? Please? 

And as one final note. I did have several reviews asking for Logan not to stop. I couldn't write that because in my heart I can't see that. Maybe one day I will...and there might be an alternate path for this story to take. But for now I can't see it...Sorry Max/Alec shippers. And for those of you who aren't happy with the way this chapter ends, because Max didn't kick his ass, or cuss him out. Well, I can't see Max pushing him away either. At the moment, even though he's hurt her, he's also her only source of comfort. People will argue with that...normally I would too. But for some reason it's how I see it. But rest assured the story is far from over, Max and Logan have hurt each other. Now they have to deal with that. 


	3. Is it to soon to say forgive?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the premise of Dark Angel, James Cameron/20th Century Fox does. Although after tonight's episode (Furgetaboudit), I wish I did because that fight scene is the coolest! Please don't sue me. I'll return them, no money do I make. I'll even make you cookies as a show of my appreciation.

  
Love's Betrayal  
  
Chapter Three  
  
by  
  
Teris Xenite  
  


Author's Note: Alright now that fanfic.net is back up...I have an update, for all you wonderful kind people who read this story. This chapter is dedicated to Michelle Drake, a very talented writer, and great sounding borad. This chapter would still be dormant on my hard drive if not for her intrest.

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She woke as the room began to grow lighter due to the sunlight that filtered through the fog. The events of last night slowly came back to her as she pondered why she felt like she'd just gone ten rounds with one of the X-5's back at Manticore. Once all of her recollections clicked into place she felt a sense of dread sneaking up from her toes and twisting itself through her until it squeezed on her heart painfully. _ What do we do now? Well first off I guess I need to see if there's a we here to deal with this, or if he left last night while I slept._

She opened her eyes, slowly allowing them to adjust to the light. She looked around the room and spotted him sitting in a chair, absolutely as far away from her as he could be and still be in the room. Sad blue eyes met hers, and she was struck by the pain and grief in his gaze. He smiled at her sadly, and then stood. "I'll go now…I just wanted to stay until you were woke up, to make sure you were all right. I'll go, unless you need anything?" She shook her head wordlessly and he turned and walked away, leaving her speechless. He paused before walking out the door and turned back to her. "I know that it doesn't change anything, and I know that it doesn't make what I did any less horrible, but for what it's worth. I'm sorry, I never meant for this to happen."

He turned away from her again and she realized that if she didn't stop him she would probably never see him again. "Who the hell said you could leave?" He paused at her words, and she continued knowing that he was one step away from walking out of her life forever. And despite what had happened, she wasn't sure if she wanted that or not. "We're not done with this Logan, now get your ass back in here cause I don't feel like chasing you today."

"Max what is there left to say?" There was a broken, hopeless tone in his voice that unnerved her. _ I've never heard him sound that defeated, that lost. This is gonna be ugly, but I've got to tell him. If I don't…there's no chance for things to get better. And even if I don't want to be with him, I don't want him to hate me, or keep hurting both of us because of a lie._

"Oh there's lots left to say Logan. Let's see, first off Alec and I were never together. That sound like a good place to start to you?" 

"What?" He turned to her then, and both hope and horror were present in his gaze.

"I lied. Alec and I were never together, he was crashing with me because the police came after him thinking he was Ben and I busted him out. He hugged me the next morning, and that's what you saw." 

Logan was silent as the shock registered, and even as he started to speak it became apparent that his brain hadn't quite finished processing what she'd said as he stammered. "But…I asked…You said…" 

"I said that I couldn't tell you that it wasn't true. And I couldn't, not if I wanted to keep you safe." Try as she might she couldn't keep the fear and pain she'd felt when faced with that choice back. She couldn't hide her emotions from him, not this close to him, and not when they were still so very painful. "I could stand the thought of you hating me, or the thought of you moving on and loving someone else better than I could the thought of you dying and it being my fault."

"Oh my God."_ She was just trying to protect me, and I…What have I done._ "Oh Max…" He decided to chance it and moved to pull her into a hug. She didn't resist, but she remained wary and tense. The last things he'd ever wanted when she was in his embrace. He held her gently for a few moments, but kept the embrace loose enough that if she wanted to end it all she had to do was step back. "Max there will never be anyone else in my life. How could there be? After you? It'd be impossible. And I could never hate you…no matter what I'll always love you."

"You gave a damn good impression of hating me last night." She closed her eyes and leaned into him, hoping and praying that the cruel stranger from the previous night wouldn't make a reappearance. Part of her cursed herself for bringing it up, wanting nothing more that to ignore that it had ever happened. But the louder part of her wanted, no needed reassurance from him that he forgave her, and that there would be no repeats of the incident. 

"Max…if I didn't still love you it wouldn't have hurt so damn much to think of you with him. If I could have made myself hate you, I would have been able to let it go, to forget about you. Wish you and Alec a miserable life together. But I couldn't do it." He brushed her cheek with his thumb very gently, almost reverently. It was as if he didn't trust himself to touch her, and truth be told he probably didn't at the moment. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you angel, and I apologize for my actions, but I won't deny the reasons behind them." 

A steadying hand came to the small of her back and rubbed comforting circles there to reassure her that he meant her no harm. "You let me think that you'd cheated on me with another man Max. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him touching you, holding you, making love to you. All the things that I wanted to do with you so very badly. And if you were with him, then you had lied to me to be with him, and that just made it worse." 

Logan sighed and pulled back from her slightly so he could look into her beautiful eyes once more. "What I did last night is inexcusable. I took what is supposed to be an expression of love between two people, the greatest sacrament between man and woman and I profaned it by bringing my anger and jealousy into it. I am so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, and I don't deserve your forgiveness. Maybe one day if I'm really lucky you'll give me a chance to make it up to you, but I don't expect you to forgive me." 

"You know… I'm not blameless here either Logan. Last night part of me was telling me that I deserved for you to hurt me. I lied to you, and I pushed you away. But in the end, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to but it seemed like I kept doing it anyway. There are so many things I've done that you could have pointed out just now, and if you want to compare bad deeds I'll bury you a hundred times over, that I can promise you. With all that I've done, I don't deserve you either. But sometimes loving someone isn't about giving them what they deserve. It's knowing that they've done wrong, and forgiving them anyway." 

She reached down and took his hand in hers. "I want to forgive you Logan, I want to so badly that it hurts." She saw a hopeful gleam growing in eyes, but before he could become too excited she continued. "I want to forgive you, Logan. But before I do I need to ask you something, and I want an honest, soul searched down to the core true answer." He nodded and she continued. "Before I can forgive you I need to know if you can honestly say that what happened last night will never happen again. Under any circumstances. Because I think I can forgive you this once, but I don't think I could survive this again." 

He fought the urge to answer her immediately, and searched within himself to find the answer they both needed so badly. He remembered the frightened look on her tearstained face as he'd emerged from the fog from his drunken rage the night before. Remembering that moment gave him his answer. He would sooner die than ever see that look grace her features again. He took her hand in his gently brushing the back of it with his thumb. The bruises on her wrists were quickly fading, but still served as pale but poignant reminders of the horrible thing he'd almost done. They also strengthened his resolve that he would never hurt her again. Never, not even if the hounds of hell were on his heals demanding it of him.

He stepped back from her, and dropped to his knees before her. As he knelt he took both of her hands in his and placed soft kisses on the bruises. "I promise you, Max. I promise. Never, never again. I'll die before I hurt you again." 

"There's one more thing I need to know." She tugged at his hands, his kneeling before her was beginning to unsettle her. She looked up at him, and asked the question that weighed so heavily on her mind. "Can you forgive me for lying to you?"

"Yes, Max I can. I can't very well be angry with you, when I committed the same sin. We both did things to damage our trust in each other." He brushed her hair back from her face and cupped her cheek gently. "I want to forgive you Max, and I want you to forgive me. But I need you to promise me something."

"What?"

"That you'll never lie to me like that again, even if you think it would be for my own good. You're free to leave me, but just don't deceive me." 

"Alright…I promise that if I have to leave you, I'll at least be honest about the reasons why."

"That's all I ask." He leaned in closer to her moving slowly towards kiss her, but stopped as he saw her jump at the proposed intimacy. 

"Logan, I want to trust you I really do. I want to forgive and forget, and have things go back to the way they were. But I can't. Not like that, not right now. It's too soon." She looked at him with pleading eyes, wanting him to understand. Needing him to know that she wanted him, loved him. But she couldn't help the feelings tumbling around inside of her at the moment.

"I understand…I have to regain your trust before I can be with you intimately." He took her hand in his gently, and stroked the back of it with his thumb. "Right now, I'm ecstatic that I can hold your hand again. I can wait forever for you, as long as I know you love me." The tender moment was interrupted by a loud god awful screeching sound. Logan brought his hands up to his ears, and Max winced immediately due to her sensitive hearing and quickly reached to turn the offending object off. A few seconds after silence ensued Logan asked: "What was that?"

"That was my last chance to be anywhere close to on time for work alarm. I'm normally up, but when I'm not…well it takes something pretty loud to wake me." 

"You have to work today?"

She nodded, grimacing a little in distaste. "Yeah, you know what they say. No rest for the wicked."

"Are you sure that's a good idea…those were some really bad tremors last night."_ Not to mention what I put you through afterwards._ He hated to remember how pale and weak she'd looked when he'd found her. He hated remembering how hungrily she'd responded to his voice, his touch then. How explicitly she'd trusted him and turned to him for comfort. Hated even more remembering how he'd fucked things up. And how she'd flinched at his touch earlier that morning, it just made the rift he'd created all the more apparent, and deep in his soul he grieved over the trust that he'd shattered. "Are you sure you'll be alright Max? I can call Bling or Sam and get you a note? Or I can call and talk to Normal…"

His words trailed off as she shook her head. "I'll be fine Logan. They were bad , but I'll be alright. I shouldn't be suprised though, crying always does make them worse."_ Crying…she was crying over me. She was hurting and crying when I came in here yesterday, but did I even notice. No of course not…I'm an unredeemable bastard. Instead of noticing what was wrong I just made it worse. _ "I promise you Max…I'll never give you a reason to cry again."

"Where do we go from here?"

"Dinner tonight? My place? I bet that old chess set is still sitting around somewhere just waiting for you to wipe the floor with me." 

"That sounds nice…I'll swing by after I go to Crash with Cindy? She's been all worried…"

"Will Alec be there?" There was a slight growl present in his voice and it unnerved her. 

"Logan…" She began only to trail off as he raised his hands in surrender.

"I'm sorry, that was out of line and I shouldn't have asked. It's just going to take awhile for me to think of you and Alec in the same room without having a flash of jealousy. But I promise that I won't let it get out of hand, and I'll work on it ok?"

"Ok…" She paused for a second shaking her head as if to clear an unpleasant thought from it. "Logan…I know that it'll be a long time before you can see me somewhere with Alec, and not have a moment of doubt. I understand that, but I need you to swear to me that you're not going to let that jealous take control of you. Because that's what happened last night, and you scared the hell out of me."

He nodded sadly, and crossed his heart. "I swear to you Max. I'll keep it under control. The last thing on earth I ever wanted to do was hurt you." 

"I know Logan…" The alarm beeped again, and Max quickly shut it off. "I'd better get ready. Normal's been a bitch lately." 

"Alright…" He said rather reluctantly, loathe to leave her as then he would have to face the memories of his actions and their consequences. _God a drink sounds good right now._ Logan shook his head. _Oh no Logan, you don't get to drown your sorrows in liquor this time. And you don't get to take the cowards way out with that gun either. You've hurt Max enough and you damn well will not do it again. That means that you are gonna get up off your ass after she goes to work, and your going to spend the rest of your life if need be making things right with her. Because you my man fucked up royally. _

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End Note: For all of you who think that Logan's getting off too easily...just wait for it. Comments and reviews are greatly appreciated, as are efforts to keep DA alive.  
  
Visit: http://adinfinit.net/danation/   
or  
http://www.petitiononline.com/save3da/petition-sign.html   
  
These sites are great places to go if you're into Dark Angel and want it back.   
  
As always I'm avaiable by e-mail at: terisxenite@hotmail.com. Peace Out.


	4. Love isn't always easy

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the premise of Dark Angel, James Cameron/20th Century Fox does. I wish I did! Please don't sue me. I'll return them, and no money do I make. If you're from James Cameron's office, I'll even make you cookies as a show of my appreciation. If you're from the network that canceled it...well I'll still make you cookies...you just might not want them. May Firefly prove what DA fans have been saying since the cancellation.

  
Love's Betrayal  
  
Chapter Four  
  
by  
  
Teris Xenite  
  


Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Michelle Drake, a very talented writer, and great sounding borad, my best boo Kimmy (iluvaqt), who's always there to encourage me and hear me out, and Erica (Acire Fox), who patiently listens to me talk this stuff out even though she has no idea what I'm talking about most of the time.

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Max leaned against the wall of her shower letting the pounding water ease the tension in her body. The warmth eased the aches in her muscles, and made her feel less strung out. It didn't do anything to lessen how tired and defeated she felt though, and it didn't warm her deep inside where the cold was the worst. She wanted to forget that last night had happened, but she'd seen a side of Logan that she'd never imagined, and it left her shaken. 

She loved him, of that she had no doubt, because if she hadn't she would have been trying to figure out where to hide his body at the moment. And she knew that she wasn't blameless. She knew that, but that didn't make that choking feeling that rose in the back of her throat when he touched her this morning any easier to handle. She'd never thought it possible for her to ever be scared of Logan, but last night she had been. She'd never thought it possible for her to feel anything but pleasure at his touch, but last night she had. She'd never thought that her trust in him could be shaken, but it had been. Deep down she'd never really thought that he'd believe her when she'd said she was with Alec, she'd expected him to know her better, to know that her love wasn't that malleable. To trust that she wouldn't betray him. 

_ Does he really think that little of me? Does he think that I can just turn my feelings off, or separate my soul from my body? That I can open my self up to just anyone? Just lay there and enjoy it no matter who I'm with, like some kinda whore? She sighed. Of course he doesn't. If he did he wouldn't have stopped. He wouldn't feel so guilty now. _ But even his guilt over it didn't make her feel any better, so that left her with both of them hurting, and a whole lot of pain, and fear that she just didn't know what to do with. _ Great, for once can't have something in my life that doesn't end up fucked up? A little happiness after all the shit I've been through? I guess it's just too much to ask. _

She sighed deeply, then turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. She pulled a towel around herself and winced at the stiffness as she did so. _ Oh works gonna be a bitch today. _ She looked at her reflection grimacing at the sight that greeted her. _ Damn I look like…well one of Joshua's less than stellar paintings. _ The thought of Joshua made her smile, and she made a note to herself to go see him soon. _ At least I know he's ok, Alec's been looking after him for me. _

At the thought of Alec she stilled. Now that Logan knew the truth, she was probably going to have to tell Alec that she'd lied, using him as a cover. _ Oh rank that as number one on the list of conversations that I don't want to have. We're just getting to the point that we understand and trust each other. I'd hate to ruin that. I'd miss having him to talk to. _ She thought about it, trying to figure out when she'd started depending on Alec, considering him a friend instead of just an annoyance. 

_ I think it was when he helped me steal that movie footage, or the time that he helped me take down gossamer. No…it was after Rachel. You decided that anyone who could love like that couldn't be all bad. You just didn't tell him that…You should have…but you didn't. Watching him there with her, and seeing how he grieved afterwards, you knew. That's when you knew he was more than just another Manticore issue smart ass. Great, another thing to add to my list of sins. Have I done anything right in the last six months??? _

As she toweled herself off, and towel dried her hair she thought of what she was going to say to Logan if he was still there when she walked out of the bathroom. She listened closely, and even though she could hear sounds in the apartment, they seemed further away than they should. _ I guess that means he's still here, just not in the bedroom. _ She clasped the towel and opened the door a crack to confirm her theory. 

She sighed in relief realizing that she wasn't going to have to walk out in front of him in nothing but her towel. Yesterday, had the virus not been an issue she'd have been ecstatic about doing just that. But right now…Well right now she wanted to be able to stand in the same room without wanting to jump out of her skin. She thought about other times when she'd been nervous or panicked around him. The time in the hospital when she thought he was going to die, when she read Vertes' case file, when the goons at the genetic conference threw him off the roof, when she was in heat…

_ Oh shit. _ She thought for a few seconds. _ I'm going to be in heat in…three weeks. How are we gonna handle that…What if I jump him? What happens after that, with the way things are right now? Will I feel dirty like I did with Rafer? Or will it fix everything, will I roll over the next morning, and just see Logan the way I saw him before this? _

As Max showered Logan looked around the apartment, noting the repairs it needed and the changes he thought Max might like to have made. He knew that having a couple of holes in her sheet rock fixed wouldn't make her forgive him, but it would make him feel better. He remembered the sparse supplies in her kitchen, and made a note to stock that for her as well. _ Especially milk and tryptophan, anything to help with those damn seizures. _ He hated to think of them, the way she trembled in their midst. He had seldom seen Max afraid, but the seizures scared her. 

He wished so much that he'd have just crawled in bed last night beside her, and held her until the seizures went away. No matter how angry he'd been, that didn't give him the right to take advantage of her moment of weakness. But he had, and now: now he may have lost what he wanted most in life. He might never be able to look over at her and see that beautiful smile, or that devilish twinkle in her eyes. What he wouldn't do to be able to take back the last six months. What he wouldn't give to be able to take away her pain, and the guilt she felt. 

You can't change the past Logan, the only thing you can do is make sure you don't make the same mistake twice. He thought that he'd learned that lesson before, after he'd been shot. He thought that he'd learned from his mistake, learned not to take anything for granted. _ Well I guess not, after all you thought you'd have all the time in the world with Max. You threw away countless of opportunities to have spend time with her, hell you even let the transgenic cause take you away from what could have been the only night you'd ever get to spend with her. Yeah way to go Logan. Did you once think that maybe if you'd been a little more creative about ways to spend time with her, made an effort to show that you could be together even with the virus that she might not have felt she had to lie to you? _

Logan continued berating himself, not realizing that Max had walked into the room. She stood watching him cataloguing and analyzing her reaction to him. The spark of desire that always flamed when she first saw him was quickly doused by lingering doubt and a small measure of fear. Before she could bolt he realized that she was there and his eyes met hers. They were the clear blue of the man she'd trusted, not the clouded frenzied ones of the man she'd met last night. His face was marked with lines of deep thought and grief, and there was a sadness in his eyes that she'd never thought she'd see. _ God I wish yesterday had never happened. I wish I hadn't lied. _

He looked over at her, and saw the desire to run stamped across her features. _ What have I done… _ "Max?" He took a cautious step towards her, but when he saw her twitch he stopped. "Are you alright? Can I do anything?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm ok. I just…I need some time." He nodded and then stepped away. "I'll call you later."

"If you need anything…"

" I'll call." He seemed content with that and walked away leaving her to do something that she'd wanted to all morning. She sank to the floor and clutched her knees, and sobbed. She stayed there until she had no more tears, and then pushed herself off the floor and angrily wiped her cheeks. _ This day's going to be rough enough, I better get moving if I don't want Normal bitching at me more than usual. _ She grabbed her bike from the floor and headed out to Jam Pony. 

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End Note: For those of you who think Logan's getting off too easy... Remember the first rule of great drama...start small and build. (Anyone who can tell me who said that gets one of James Cameron's cookies :). There is more to come I assure you. 

As always comments and reviews are greatly appreciated, as are efforts to keep DA alive. A side note to all strictly M/L shippers. I hear a lot of complaints about everyone writing M/A shipper fic, or Logan bashing. Well, there is something you can do about that, be more vocal. Every M/L writer I know has noted a sharp drop in reviews, and that's discouraging for anyone. So if you want continued Max and Logan fixes, review those that do write the M/L fics. Because right now, while the Max and Alec fans may not be more numerous, they are most certainly louder.  
  
Visit: http://adinfinit.net/danation/   
or  
http://www.petitiononline.com/save3da/petition-sign.html   
  
These sites are great places to go if you're into Dark Angel and want it back.   
  
Also Kimmy and I have started a new message board for all you Lydecker fans out there. Please stop by: http://deck.proboards10.com/index.cgi  
  
As always I'm avaiable by e-mail at: terisxenite@hotmail.com. Peace Out.


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